How To De-Escalate Family Conflict, Stated by a Certified Counsellor
Written by: Natalie Carruthers, MA, CCC
Have you ever noticed that at family get-togethers you seem to be having the same fight over and over again? That some family dynamics tend to continuously repeat themselves? Have you noticed that you can’t quite shake the role you’ve played in your family since you were a small child- whether that be the peacekeeper, the instigator, the perfectionist, or perhaps even the “screw up”? If you experience this, you are not alone. Family dynamics tend to consist of repetitive patterns that can be incredibly difficult to disrupt.
Do you catch yourself reflecting on the complicated family dynamics so many of us experience? Families, both given and chosen, are the source of so much joy and love, yet also can cause a great deal of pain and conflict. As the third of six kids in a loving but chaotic family, I have become a pro at navigating the do’s and dont’s of conflict resolution. Through my own experiences, as well as through my work as a clinical counsellor, I have created a list of helpful strategies that can aid in de-escalating conflict and creating a more harmonious family dynamic.
6 Strategies to De-Escalate Family Conflict
1. Awareness
Notice the family dynamics at play and become aware of where you fit and how you contribute to both the positive and negative patterns within your family. Awareness is most often the first step toward change.
2. Be Curious
Try to be curious about the experiences, opinions, and feelings of the other members of your family. It can be so easy to assume that we know how they feel or how they’re going to behave but so often we don’t give others a chance to surprise us or give them the benefit of the doubt.
3. Validation and Compassion
When people feel seen and understood they tend to respond in turn. So often when people feel attacked, invalidated, or dismissed they become defensive, which leaves little room for progress or change.
4. Disrupt
Once we become aware of the particular family patterns that continue to repeat themselves, we can consciously disrupt the pattern to make way for more helpful/ constructive patterns. This may be as simple as choosing to respond in a completely different way than we typically have done so in the past. For example: If a sibling continuously brings up a political perspective that you don’t agree with and you usually respond by getting defensive, perhaps try responding with “That’s an interesting point, could you explain it to me a little bit more- I’m not sure that I fully understand” You don’t have to agree, but you may find that you understand each other more than you ever thought you would. You’re also paving the way for new family dynamics and patterns.
5. Be Vulnerable
If you feel safe to do so, be vulnerable with your family. Communicate with them how you truly feel. Share your triumphs, but also your fears and insecurities. This enables a deeper, more authentic connection between you and your family members.
6. Take a Break
If you are feeling overwhelmed or triggered by something regulate your nervous system. Once you are able to regulate your nervous system you are much better able to assess the situation and decide how you want to respond. This can be done by: going for a walk, taking deep breaths, taking a few minutes for yourself, having a laugh, or just simply removing yourself from the situation.
Disclaimer:
I acknowledge that there are some family dynamics or trauma so complex that some family relationships cannot be repaired with these simple strategies and that it may even be unsafe to do so. If this applies to you, it may be helpful to talk to a licensed professional before implementing these strategies.
Please feel free to give these strategies a try and let us know how they work for you. If you are interested in doing a deeper dive or need additional support, please reach out to me for a complimentary consultation and I would be happy to assist you in your journey.